So why is sex such an enticing topic, and why is it so taboo?
Some say the West is uptight, and even European tourists to
Florida scoff at the swimwear required at US beaches. If sex
were actually taught (and practiced!) at school, would it become
as boring as algebra? This audio lecture from Alan Watts asks
such questions and explains why “Making Whoopie” makes
some people nervous.
Alan Watts – Sex in the Church from John Allen Bell on Vimeo.
Popularity: 10% [?]
Q. Dear Men4Men, Tell me about gay relationships in those days. Were there established couples? Today the big focus is (monogamous) marriages. Was there a groupsex, everyman for himself, coupling norm?
Josh Answers: I don’t know what to say about relationships in those days. Like today, there were those who went from partner to partner, looking purely for sexual gratification and then there were some who sought out only primary relationships. But even that required a few “test drives” so, like now, there was a lot of promiscuity in the gay community. After all, when you have two sexual aggressors pointed at each other there’s a good chance someone’s getting laid. I’ve long been convinced that straight men would be just as promiscuous as gay men are if they could find consenting partners as readily as gay men do. Couples existed then, of course, but they weren’t as opened or obvious about their relationship, the atmosphere still wasn’t one where that was OK. I grew up in Southern California which was probably a lot more liberal than say Iowa, but you still played your cards very close to the vest and only confided in your most trusted friends. And remember in many places it was still illegal and you could be arrested just on the suspicion that you were gay. It’s curious that at that time, as a result of the civil rights movement, discrimination was being banned if you were , black, latino, asian, disabled or female, but it was still OK to beat up a fag (as long as he wasn’t , black, latino, asian , disabled or a female!). Seems that there must always be some group that it’s OK to hate openly. For a very long time that was and in some cases still is the gay community.
Today I think the move towards monogamous, primary relationships is born out of the fear of Aids and any number of incurable, sexually transmitted ailments like Hepatitis C. Then there are families like yours, a Trimary relationship. Although I’ve participated in a three-way occasionally, I never experienced a triad relationship long-term and I’m curious how you make that work. Personally, I’ve abandoned the notion that I’m incomplete without a partner. I’m old and set in my ways and I’m just as happy spanking my own monkey as I would be going to all the trouble of seeking out someone to do it for me. And, frankly, at 60 it’s not the nagging ache it was at 20. What I look for in my relationships is a lack of static. I’m old enough to realize that everyone is different with different needs and desires and I can’t fault them for having theirs if I want to have mine. I don’t expect everyone I know to agree with everything I think or do, but I most appreciate the ones that shut up about it. I find the problem with long-term committed relationships is that the participants view their “other” as a part or extension of themselves and consequently when their partner(s) does something they don’t agree with they feel compelled to rag on them about it which ultimately creates a lot of tension in the relationship. I have had the same companion for nearly a decade. The truth is we started out as fuck buddies and have never had a romantic or intimate relationship. Still we probably have sex more often that many people. Generally we have what we call “physical therapy” about once a week just to ease that “need” that often causes people to make poor decisions in an effort to find sexual relief. And you know it can’t be bad to exercise your prostate occasionally just to keep things moving. We both feel that the lack of exercise is what leads to prostate ailments in older men and we’re determined to avoid at least that harbinger of age. We don’t consider ourselves a couple in the regular sense of the word, although I’m certain it has that appearance to the outside world. But in 10 years we have never had more that an occasional, momentary tiff and very few of those. I think that is because we let each other seek out and find the solutions to our needs in whatever way we need to without feeling guilty that we’re betraying some sacred trust. My definition of true love is wanting for someone else what they want for themselves, even if it doesn’t include you.
Well, somehow I’ve wandered off the path a bit. Wow, that never happened before!?! I hope at least some of this drivel answers a few of your questions.
Popularity: 4% [?]
Body Talk: Men4Men’s Guide to Fitness
By Jonathan Lovitz
Photo by Mark Bradley Miller
Ask any guy why he joins a gym and the answer will always be: “I want to get hot!” Well guys, it’s my pleasure to break it to you: you already are! When I was asked to write these fitness columns I really had no idea where to begin. Do I tell you about what weights are best; what you should be eating; the yummiest protein? No, none of that matters until you look at yourself in the mirror and realize the only person who you need to worry about impressing with your body is you. Don’t worry, I’ll answer all your questions about getting that beach body you’re looking for, but first things first: let’s chat about why we’re going to sweat (oh yes, there will be sweat) to get there.
Each week RuPaul tells her ladies on Drag Race that they’d better remember who really comes first because “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love someone else.” Amen, Ru. Amen.
Listen, body image, like that gorgeous muscle boy you stare at each time you go to the bar, is a bitch. Every ad in every magazine shows us glistening pecs and rippling six-packs that lead us to believe that we’re not worth squat unless we can grate cheese on our stomachs. I’ve traveled to every corner of the United States and met guys of all ages that buy into that load of brilliantly-designed marketing bull. Sure, sex sells, but you’re not a pair of underwear or the swankiest new all-organic-zero-calorie-high-energy cocktail being endorsed by Lance Bass. You are a gorgeous man who is already sexy just because you’ve embraced who you are. Working out, eating right, and keeping your body and brain healthy are what make the wrapping on the present firm and desirable, but it’s the man inside that matters.
I promise there will be no more soapbox speeches about loving yourself, and no, I don’t mean what you do in your spare time. All I want you to think about is who you’re really looking to “get hot” for when you’re working out. If it’s anyone other than you, he’s not worth it. Trust me. It took me a long time to figure that one out, and now that I have I’ve never felt better.
In the coming months I’ll be giving you plenty of tips on building all the muscles you want to work on, all the foods that are best to eat, and all tricks to looking your best no matter what your body type. With my tips you’re going to look and feel the best you’ve ever felt. Just remember that there will always be some guy younger and more fit than you, but he doesn’t have your heart. That’s the sexiest muscle you’ve got!
Let’s get physical!
Popularity: 18% [?]
Why Men4Men.com®?
“What a piece of work is man” Hamlet asserts in a sentiment newly vivified by the musical Hair. “How noble in reason.” Surely the phrase refers not only to mankind as a whole, but also to the individual. Complicated though we may be, gay men are certainly a “piece of work.” Contradicted by society, yet mainstreamed into something akin to an ethnic group; lumped together with lbq and t, yet stereotyped as party boy horndogs; seen by anthropologists as uniquely able to serve the greater good, but banned from military service , adoption, marriage and in some countries still simply outlawed – the place of the contemporary gay male seems to be no more certain than before 1969’s Stonewall Riot. Visible, yes …perhaps. But how noble in reason are the after-hours gatherings and online hookup? There is much more to being gay, or bi or straight!
Unlike true “ethnic groups,” most gay boys do not grow up with gay parents. There are no traditional cultural standards that the rest of the family share. A gay boy is alone in his experience – except for other gay men. We learn from each other – sometimes happily, sometimes the hard way – but we learn. Where once we had to lurk in questionable places to find one another, our “culture” has learned to look online for connections. So it has become easy to find gay sex and porn on the internet, but where is that community of truly adult men, sharing and co-operating to forge a healthy gay society? Where does a young “queer boi” go for reliable information, advice and true friendship?
For the Boy Who Was Me
I remember being 13 – hell, lots younger than that – and being full of questions about sexuality and trying to understand my own feelings. It wasn’t easy to sort out when my father informed me that “oral” meant “talking about it” and referred to gay people as being “bent.” Even among supposedly liberal Peace Corps folks it seemed there was still a love that dared not speak its name. The only role model in the mass media was Jodie Dallas of Soap, so I desperately looked for answers in the advice columns of my father’s Penthouse magazines or grandfather’s books like Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask – which assured me that all gay men were cross dressers. Furthermore, you could tell a man was gay because he would watch your lips when you talked instead of looking you in the eye.
Well, I thought, not me! What I was, was… well, I just didn’t know! The word “bisexual” did not even exist for me until high school. The concept of gay love, as in real and meaningful same-sex relationships, practically had to be force fed. It seems no amount of globe trekking can completely erase strong Midwestern roots.
As it turned out, I did fit in to the gay world. If only I had seen the FAQ “I’m gay, now what?” when I was a teen. Men4Men.com® is for that boy, seeking to find his place in our strange “ethnic group.”
For Ira and Josh
Thank God for the freedom of adulthood! Once away from High School and family my own pre-electronic social network grew and at 18 I found two wonderful gay friends. One was twice my age at 36, the other was twice his age at 72. Josh and Ira spent their youthful years in 1970s Castro and 1940s New York City respectively. Their perspectives on life, love and sex were nourishing to my hungry spirit. Josh spoke of a land and time where gay men were brazen, prideful and ran the show. Ira assured me that despite the crazy people in the world everything was going to be all right. This advice helped greatly as life began to heap on challenges perhaps unique to gay men in the 1980s. So it is in their honor that Men4Men.com® carries forth a tradition of social cohesion.
For Jay
My freshman year I had the dubious distinction of being in love with the first poor boy to fall to HIV at my college. At first the school administrators told me not to speak with anyone about it. I thought I was going to die and there was no place to turn for help! But that gave way and in 1987 I helped to organize the first press conference in the State of Florida to address AIDS, attended by Barney Frank, and helped to set up education programs for all USF students. The phrase Silence=Death emerged at that time, and it can be interpreted in many ways.
So many voices have been silenced. An entire generation of role models and other resources have been lost, and Men4Men.com® is also a response to that missing component of our culture.
For Bart
Sadly, it seems that coming out and “mainstreaming” has not been enough to create a healthy gay norm. The media glorifies youth and sex and a party lifestyle that is more fitting with the 90s than current economic and social conditions. For many of us there is a disconnect so egregious that it becomes unbearable. Although he survived everything else, the prospects for a well-off and handsome spirit named Bart seemed overwhelming as he became older and grew away from the supposed “ideal.” In the end he took his own life, a tragedy that might have been averted if there had been a place where he could find support and community. Men4Men.com® is for men like Bart who are looking for more community as we age and change.
For Clayton & Milaine
In rural Michigan a young gay boy was having a bad day prompting his teacher to ask “What’s wrong?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“It’s about your boyfriend, isn’t it?” Much to Clayton’s surprise, the teacher did understand! “You know,” she continued, “my oldest son is gay, and he has been in a relationship for over twenty years. So I am sure, whatever it is, you can work it out.” Her words helped the young man through his troubles, but later she said “I wish there was a web site I could send him to where he could learn about being gay from people in the community – a safe place that is not just about sex and hook-ups.” Men4Men.com® is just such a place, dedicated to Clayton, his teacher and men and women of all ages who struggle to find their place in a confusing and often unfriendly world. It’s also dedicated to those teachers, family (like my own Mom) and others who want to help their loved ones through their struggles.
For Topher
Men4Men.com® started out as a BBS chat room back in 1992 and the domain name was registered for the BBS operator “Topher.” With the web came much better chat and email, and it looked like Gay.com and other sites would fill the void. Meanwhile, Topher moved away and the domain name Men4Men.com® fell into my lap where it has been held in trust all these years. While it may take the sophistication of a cave man to make money with smut, that easy route was simply not the right one. Now it is time to use the domain to the greatest potential, and so Men4Men.com® is a place for gay men of all ages to communicate, share and grow a healthy community.
For You!
Most of all, Men4Men.com® is for you, dear reader. We hope you will find answers to the questions that you have about sex, relationships, society and your own body and mind. We invite you to share your own thoughts about our articles and essays and help each other to grow and contribute to our queer “ethnic” group.
What kinds of things should Men4Men.com® focus on? That is partially up to you. We welcome bloggers and writers to share their views of the gay world: places, people, ideas and experiences. We welcome you to join the community and engage in an adult discourse – intercourse in its’ highest meaning. Your experiences and your perspectives are important and may just be the words another man needs to hear. Join the conversation at Men4Men.com® and be a part of the community today!
Popularity: 11% [?]
Editor’s Note: With so much ado about Harvey Milk and the Castro hey days, we asked our friend Josh to tell us what it was really like.
Photo: Castro Street Fair 1977
In the pre-Aids era The Castro was a smorgasbord of delights; physical, visual, sexual, even spiritual. Very few people knew what a rubber was much less used them with any frequency. Drugs were still a big part of the party scene and the bath houses were guilt palaces of sexual abandon.
I lived in San Francisco in the late 70′s (76-79) and about the time I moved to St. Thomas Aids was just beginning to rear it’s ugly head. We were hearing about the “gay cancer”, KS, a rare cancer most common in men of Mediterranean extraction. No body knew what caused it and certainly no one had a clue as to how to treat it or why it was appearing with alarming frequency in the Gay community. More than one of my friends fell victim to this horrible disease. It was a very scary time for everyone, but especially gay men. My departure from San Francisco, oddly enough, was prompted in part by the same forces that attracted me to the city in the first place. It was so gay at that time that you were constantly on display, by choice or by circumstance and it was difficult to to accomplish any task in public without getting openly cruised repeatedly. It became almost intrusive. Eye candy is one thing, being treated like just another sexual conquest or a piece of meat is quite another.
Fortunately, although I was by no means a prude, I wasn’t big on multiple, totally faceless sexual encounters. I at least endeavored to know the name of the owner of the dick I was sucking and only occasionally fucked with someone I hoped would remain a stranger. To this day I thank the stars for that discretion and that I left the City when I did or surely I would have joined so many of my friends in a slow and painful demise, ostracized by society in general and shunned by even my own people. And as much as I may have complained about the sexual isolation of living on a small island in the Caribbean, that fateful decision probably saved my life.
I don’t know how much more I can tell you without responding to specific questions, so feel free to ask if you have any. Oh, the stories I could tell you!!
Popularity: 4% [?]
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